College friend and scratch golfer, Peter Lyons sent me a link to some of the wittiest comebacks in history. Here are some of my favorites.

A woman approached the notoriously taciturn President Calvin Coolidge AKA Silent Cal at a White House Dinner. She Said: “Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.” Coolidge replied: “You lose.”

An audience member approached Coolidge at a concert and asked, “What do you think of the singer’s execution?”  Coolidge replied, “I’m all for it.”

Dorothy Parker, 20th century satirist, upon learning Coolidge had died: “How can they tell?”

Random man to Dorothy Parker: “I can’t bear fools.” 
Parker: “Apparently, your mother could.”

British Member of Parliament to Winston Churchill: “Mr. Prime Minister, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?”  Churchill: “No, it’s purely voluntary.”

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill: “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Playwright George Bernard Shaw wrote to Churchill: “I have reserved you two tickets for opening night. Come and bring a friend, if you have one.”  Churchill replied: “Impossible to come to first night. Will come second night, if you have one.”

British statesman Benjamin Disraeli, after being called to order for declaring “half the cabinet are asses”: Disraeli: “Mr. Speaker, I withdraw my statement. Half the cabinet are not asses.”

President John Adams: “In my many years, I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress.”

Abraham Lincoln, after being called “two-faced”: “If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”

Author and Clergyman Edward Everett Hale, when asked if he prayed for US senators: “No, I look at senators and pray for the country.”

J.H. Thomas, Member of Parliament asked fellow MP, F.E. Smith   “Could you direct me to the House of Commons loo?” Smith: “First left, go along the corridor. You’ll see a door marked ‘gentlemen,’ but don’t let that deter you.”

A Congressman rubbed the bald head of House Speaker Nicholas Longworth and commented: “Nice and smooth, feels just like my wife’s bottom.” Longworth ran his own hand over his head and said: “Indeed, it does!”

Reporter to Mohandas Gandhi: “What do you think of Western civilization?” 
Gandhi: “I think it would be a wonderful idea.”

Albert Einstein speaking generally: “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not too sure about the former.”

Beethoven to a fellow composer: “I like your opera — I think I will set it to music.”

Pope John XXIII was asked “how many people work in the Vatican”: Pope John: “About half.”

Mae West, about a man she disliked: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

New Yorker essayist Robert Benchley to a uniformed man: “My good man, would you please get me a taxi?” 
Man: “I’m not a doorman. I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.” 
Benchley: “All right, then; get me a battleship.”

Dorothy Parker, after a journalist requested an interview: “Tell him I’m too f*cking busy — or vice versa.”

Groucho Marx to a co-star: “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.”

Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson on presidential candidate Hubert Humphrey: “They don’t make ’em like that anymore — but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.”

Columnist James Reston, on Richard Nixon: “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

Filmmaker Billy Wilder on a critic: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

Reporter to John Lennon: “Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?” Lennon: “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.”

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